We Are Free Morphemes

Me

2006-02-02T09:28:00.000-06:00

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Meet the Stoods: The ESL diaries

2006-01-16T09:30:00.000-06:00

Well, I've decided to revive this old girl on account of my new class, which I think deserves at least a weekly post to remind myself (and probably no one else) what my first official semester at Trum@n is like.

The first class was this past Saturday and I had 38 students enrolled, only 29 of which showed up. Thank goodness, since there was one extra chair and I was using it. I was really nervous before class started, but once I saw one of my fellow employees, I felt better. This lady is stone cold nuts. She wears these opaque rubber boots all of the time, boots that are held together with duct tape, to "protect her from radiation." That's what one of the other teachers told me over the summer. She ambles around like she drank a lithium cocktail on the way to school. She's clearly insane, and if SHE has a job there, surely I will look good in comparison -- to the students as well as the administration. At least I hope so.

The class went well:

First we took attendance.
I had them fill out little questionnaires about themselves and how they use English, where they're from, etc. As everyone was filing in, this is what they were doing. I wanted them to warm up a little bit before we started talking.
We went around the class and introduced ourselves, blablabla. That was fun. I have students from the following countries: Mexico, Guatemala, Bangladesh, Thailand, China, Russia, Mongolia, Ethiopia, Poland, Haiti, Vietnam, Ecuador, Colombia and I think that's it.
Then I went over the syllabus (as much as I had) and explained to them what the portfolio is going to be like. They seemed to like it. I told them that it would probably be more work, but they would learn a lot more. I explained that my goal is to increase their vocabulary, help them with pronunciation and intelligibility and enable them to speak comfortably and confidently to native speakers. They were cool with that.
Once that was done, we started talking about should/should not. They knew a lot more than I thought they did, so we did a lot of talking about health, and what constitutes a healthy lifestyle. I had them get into groups and make lists of what people should and should not do in order to stay healthy.
BREAK -- 20 min.
When we came back, I handed out the story about the Christian Scientists, we did the agree/disagree portion and read the intro. Thelm@ is really confident. She's also married to someone from Iowa. Muscatine, to be precise. Rum@ny (is that his name? I can't remember) seems to be really opinionated too. I hope his wife, who is also in the class, keeps him from making people mad. At least he seems really smart. He knows what he's talking about. His grammar is pretty bad though.
We talked about people's rights to refuse a doctor's advice for a while and I had them write their answers to the comprehension questions on the board. They seemed to really enjoy talking about the differences between traditional Eastern medicine and modern Western medicine. There was some confusion over which one was being referred to in the question as "nonconventional" since convention differs depending on where you come from. The woman who asked about that, whose name I have completely forgotten, is really bright. We went over the answers and I was going to correct some grammar, but we ran out of time and I had to explain what to do for homework. They were to read the story and complete the opinion-based questions at the end.

Overall, the class went as well as I could have hoped. Idiotically, I left BOTH of my folders in room 2424 and right now they're just sitting on a counter (hopefully) with everyone's writing in there. I've already woken up at 6AM two days in a row worrying about it -- from now on I am going to do a mental checklist before I leave that place and make sure that I have everything. It's tough to keep track of all of the stuff I need. Also, next time I will bring a snack that I actually eat. The cereal I had at 7:45AM didn't carry my through to 2PM very well.

Next week: comps! It's the TESL section, so I'm not too worried about it. It will be a long essay, I suspect. I need to brush up on theory and stuff, but I should be fine on this one.

Ugh.

2005-04-19T10:57:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry I haven't written much in here lately. I don't really have a whole lot to say. I'll let you know when I do.

I've got your special purpose right here...

2005-03-14T12:54:00.000-06:00

This dipshit wrote to my favorite advice columnist asking him to tell her how to give "purpose" to her otherwise ridiculously perfect life.

I have a suggestion...

And I'm pretty sure this isn't supposed to be funny, but, well, it is.

Kenyon College's what?!?!

2005-03-14T11:34:00.001-06:00

This, from Low Culture (scroll down to "Low Culture 2.0")

...Last, but definitely not least, is our hot new sex columnist, Miranda Gonnerman. Miranda wrote 'Miranda's Right,' Kenyon College's sex column where she covered everything from bisexuality to lesbianism to threesomes! (Her column was so hot it's not even available online! Sizzzzzle!) You can send your sex queries to Miranda and she'll offer you expert advice.

I don't remember Kenyon College being very sexy. At least not for me.

Akronfreakness

2005-03-09T11:49:00.000-06:00

"The character [of Akron] is the whole underdog mentality,"

The Black Keys say this and a couple of other really nice things about their hometown. My hometown. Also, my parents told me that they sat next to Chrissie Hynde at a restaurant a while ago. There would have been a puddle underneath my chair if I had been sitting next to Chrissie Hynde. We'll leave it at that.

What will we do with the drunken sailor?

2005-03-08T16:51:00.000-06:00

While I am aware that I might be among the four living people who is enchanted by both MIDI and sea shanties, the other three of you out there will find this site a real treasure.

I found it while I was looking for the lyrics to "Poor Murdered Woman." (Even though it's not a song of the sea, it is a traditional folk song) Not only did I find the lyrics, I pleased to also hear a strange, synthy rendition of the song playing when I opened the page.

If you want to know the words as well as the tune, this is your place, laddie. Also noteworthy is The Contemplator's Microencyclopedia of Folk Music, where you can get your belly full of ballads.

The Cutest Music On Earth

2005-03-07T14:09:00.000-06:00

If you're a fan of MIDI, the tinkly electronic sounds that conjure up a group of kittens or baby bunnies playing instruments and you also happen to enjoy the compositions of Eric Bachmann, you will LOVE these MIDI versions of Archers of Loaf songs.

I want to pinch the cheeks of these songs and smother them with hugs.

[Note: It's a link to the Crooked Fingers message board, so I will use this opportunity to hop out on a tangent and remind anyone who cares that Ball of Wax is being released on DVD tomorrow, March 8. Wow, I'm really glad I don't have to draw a structure tree for that sentence, because it's a real mother. Also a real mother: Ball of Wax.]

Dissection: An Interactive Activity for Your Box of Affirmations

2005-03-07T10:47:00.000-06:00

[Note: I would post the link to this if I weren't afraid of being caught, but I am, so I won't. I'm trying to focus on this mangled corpse of a paragraph as a pedagogical example rather than a dead varmint on the side of the road.]

What you are about to read is one of the most atrocious paragraphs ever published about Wilco. In the comments section, I want to find out what you would have said to the writer in order to improve her writing. Seriously. I had that chance repeatedly and I never knew what to tell her, aside from "stop drinking Malibu while you write" and "think again before you use ardor as a verb," etc. All I know is that when someone evokes "the human spirit" I feel I'm headed for serious trouble.

While Tweedy successfully uses pathos in his
music, portraying and reaching into the essence of the human spirit, he also uses his dazzling talent on guitar, backed by his bandmates’ prolific expertise,
to fill out the songs that move so dauntingly. The experimentally expressive “I Am Trying to Break Your Heart” would not have peaked had it not been for guitarist Nels Cline’s outstanding noise-inducing comma. Getting lost in the momentous extractions of static and tweaks was like being trapped in a box of affirmations.

[Note: My patron saint at the Language Log has developed a grammar that falls between prescriptive and descriptive: reactive grammar. Also known informally over beer and pretzels as WTF grammar. Defined very loosely, it's the reaction you have to the paragraph above. Thank you, sir!]

It Takes One to Know One, Pal

2005-03-04T12:26:00.000-06:00

Maybe I've told some of you that EFL/ESL teachers often get a bad reputation as globe-trotting, ambitionless molesters. People in the field with no sense of humor bristle at the assertion that a person who wants to spend his/her life hopping from Minsk to Bangalore to Monrovia could be anything less than adventurous, courageous and of the highest moral caliber.

We all know that there are some unsavory English teachers out there. There are ones who thought to themselves that oft-thought maxim, "Well, I know English. Maybe I could teach English...?" and proceeded to sully the reputations of those among us who have no interest in sleeping with our students. With a 6-week certificate they head off to a place far from home, far from anyone who remembers that time they got caught touching themselves at Arby's.

Whoever operates this site, Englishdroid.com, shares my belief that teaching English at home or abroad comes with its own set of in-jokes and situations not fit for cuddly teacher-love. Bless that person.

"And I'm rockin' one leg, y'all"

2005-03-03T14:14:00.000-06:00

A couple of thoughts about academia...

The following excessively long strings of words are titles for academic papers being presented at this conference:

* Gender Differences in Evaluations of Classical Musical Performances

* Gender Differences in Rates of Breast Self-Exam and Testicular Self-Exam Amongst a Sample of Residents in a College Community

* Does the Development of Feminist Identity Ameliorate the Negative Effects of Stereotype Threat on Women’s Performance on Spatial Cognition Tasks?

Have these people not heard of the "Short Catchy Phrase: (colon) Longer Explanatory Phrase Detailing the Study" school of paper titling?

Here are my suggested edits:

You Ain't Haydn Nothin': Gender Differences in Evaluations of Classical Musical Performances

I Touch Myself...Infrequently: Gender Differences in Rates of Breast Self-Exam and Testicular Self-Exam Amongst a Sample of Residents in a College Community

I Am Womyn, Watch Me Pour: Does the Development of Feminist Identity Ameliorate the Negative Effects of Stereotype Threat on Women’s Performance on Spatial Cognition Tasks?

And finally, this one needs no embellishment, because aren't we all drawn to that girl with the funny walk?

College Students’ Romantic Attraction Toward Peers with Physical Disabilities

Me-me-me So Holy

2005-03-02T13:03:00.000-06:00

"Dan Smith is a storyteller-preacher. He strives to model the teaching style of Jesus, who was a master storyteller. Smitty doesn’t just tell fluff stories to entertain, though. He’s always going somewhere and you’re always left whispering (in the words of Keanu Reeves), 'Whoa.' "

Um, first of all? That was Joey Lawrence who popularized "whoa."
Secondly? This is not a joke.

This fool is not doing a lot to make Ohio look any cooler.

2:30 Appointment with Randy?

2005-03-02T09:52:00.000-06:00

What you’re missing by not working in my office:

Girl 1: (to Girl 2) Hey! You got bangs!
Girl 2: Yeah, I just felt like doing something different, you know…so…yeah.
Girl 1: Did you get it, like, shagged a little bit more too?
Girl 2: Yeah, I got banged AND shagged.

In sum, what you're missing by not working in my office is the occasional laugh courtesy of unintended sexual innuendo. In other words, nothing.

Tooth Dust

2005-02-24T09:54:00.000-06:00

Potential reasons why this article exists:

1. The writer is engaged to a woman whose cousin is in a band, a band who once had a radio hit. This band is widely loathed. A proposition was made -- passively, quietly -- that suggested to the writer that if he didn't use his pull at the web-zine he writes for to get some publicity for the cousin of his betrothed, he would find himself swiftly unbetrothed and without a solid jawbone. He wrote it. Cruelly, teeth are now a pile of dust.

2. The writer of this article has not yet secured his position at the web-zine he wants to write articles for, articles about music, because he loves music more than anything else on Earth, even more than pizza. The editors sent him on the cruelest assignment: write an article about this band that is so universally reviled that people cringe at the mere thought of their music. Write it without saying or implying one, solitary nasty thing about them. Now that the writer has besmirched his reputation and subjugated everything he stands for, he might (might) be allowed to review the new Iron and Wine EP. Might.

3. It is actually 1994. I have zoomed forward in time eleven years to write this and will zoom back to 1994 in three short minutes. I am wearing comfortable shoes.

4. The organizer of the Atlanta SoulFest has had an ill-fated (or, if you choose, brilliant) idea: Collect bands with the word "soul" in their name and have them all play during one kick-ass Hot-lanta weekend. Overheard in the SoulFest offices: "Dudes, this is gonna be KILLER!" This article was commissioned (yes, paid for) by the SoulFest committee to generate some early viral buzz.
Also included: De La Soul, Soul Asylum, S.O.U.L., Old Soul, Raw Soul, Soul II Soul, Soul Kiss and Bag of Soul. Axed from the festival were Soul Angel, Soul Lever, Soul What?, Soul-e! and Malignant Death Soul Cruise.

Succulent, Tasty and Kind

2005-02-18T14:19:00.000-06:00

If you're idle this Friday afternoon, take a gander at this excellent gallery of Smiths cover art, including rare singles I know you've never seen. At least ten minutes of fun!

I was pleased to see my favorite London-in-the-60s movie actress, Rita Tushingham, on one of them. I just bought the soundtrack to The Knack...and How to Get It and it's just as fun as the movie.

Look at young, mod Rita here, in a snappy houndstooth hat.

Now check out latter-day Rita, who's still not afraid to smile with teeth.

Discourse Analysis: T-Gro

2005-02-18T11:28:00.000-06:00

I've said it before, but I'll say it again: Terri Grrrrross and her syndicated n.p.r. radio show Frrrrresh Air are the nadir of n.p.r. programming. She could be talking about fruit roll-ups, race riots or codpieces and her voice would never rise above the patented public radio whisper. The best [read: most entertaining] interviews she does are the ones with either a) people of any ethnicity that's not her own or b) people involved in something vaguely countercultural.

A couple of weeks ago they replayed her interview with James Hetfield and she asked the really hard questions, like "When you were growing up, did you like to destroy things?"

Today I'm listening and they're replaying a four year old interview (yeah -- four years old) with Will Smith. Now, I don't really mind him. I don't actively like him, but he has nice teeth. He's totally neutral. He's not terrifically offensive to me in the way that T-Gro is.

Anyway, here is an exchange between them:
**********************************************
TG: You're really good with rhymes, and your recordings could almost be a...a sketch. Have you ever written stories?

WS: Yeah, I used to write stories...blablabla [ed. note: I'm not so interested in his answers as I am in her questions, her Hi, I'm A White Person questions.]

TG: So, your mom worked on the school board. Did she ever correct your grammar?

WS: Yeah, my mom was really into education, we weren't allowed to say y'all, blablabla...

TG: Do you feel bilingual?

WS: Do you mean do I feel like I speak Spanish?
**********************************************
And it kept going on like that. I guess you sort of have to hear the way she talks to know why she's so annoying, the way all of her sentences start out with this weird high pitch and descend into Pleasant Valley. Gene Simmons made significant advances in stopping her, but everyone else has pussied out. Ok, so I didn't do any actual discourse analysis here, but I think you can see for yourselves that this middle-aged pixie-cut drone has a pink slip coming.

For Luvvahs Everywhere

2005-02-14T13:42:00.000-06:00

You can't help but love a good, traditional lesbian wedding, but you gotta love it more when it's
!IanMacKaye!'s sister! Booyah! That's so rad! Read all about it here, of all places, at the Language Log.

The union of Linguistics, love and Fugazi? A+++++!

Today is not the best day I've ever had, but this made it approximately 34% better.
Sniff sniff -- smell that? That's love in the air, and it's coming to your town.

Is this because there is no overlap?

2005-02-03T13:53:00.000-06:00

Sometimes you hear something that sounds a hell of a lot like something else. I read over breakfast the other day that George Harris*n was taken to court because "My Sweet L*rd" sounded too much like "He's So Fine" -- and that must have sucked for George.

There are any number of known examples of this. You're already thinking of some. Both of those songs were hugely popular and part of the collective consciousness for several generations. That explains why Georgy got in trouble.

Here I am, sitting at my desk listening to a Can CD I got at the library yesterday thinking, "Oh, so this is where Shaun Ryder got his singing style." And then I looked at the name of the song, which was "Halleluwah" and I listened some more. If you put The Happy Mondays "Hallelujah" on top of Can's "Halleluwah" you might not even notice that there were two songs playing, except there would be Shaun Ryder bleating in the far distance.

Now, it's not a cover -- the composer of "Hallelujah" is listed as Happy Mondays in the All Music Guide. In fact, Can isn't mentioned in AMG's review of the Hallelujah EP at all. AMG is supposed to be a good resource, and while I know that it's not perfect, what the fuck? It's also not mentioned on Amazon.com's listing for the Hallelujah EP. There must be someone out there somewhere who has made this connection -- but I can't find it. This is the only time I could find the two songs mentioned in the same sentence. (Thank you, Stylus magazine)

Surely there's someone out there who can prove me wrong, but my point is this -- why are some artists lambasted for aping their predecessors (Pavement, Elastica anyone?) while others get away with wholesale theft? Is it simply a factor of two artists overlapping (or not) in the collective critical brain?

Because, seriously -- this shit is ridiculous. I'm not saying one is better than the other, I'm just wondering why there's hardly reference to their similarity? Is it because it's useless to say that they aped Can because everyone aped Can?

I'm not saying I'm so astute or anything, because I ain't, I just sort of thought that someone at the "all music guide" would have noticed this before I did.

I'll Give You A Hint...

2005-01-25T13:49:00.000-06:00

One of the answers to Hyde Park Records' "mystery songs" contest is somewhere in this blog...

I had fun feeling clueless while trying to play name that tune -- I only got 25% right...not enough to win, I'm afraid.

Now, if you know different ones than I know, and well, you wanna go halfsies, I'm not necessarily against that...

Don't Forget to SPARKLE!

2005-01-12T14:23:00.000-06:00

In a more lighthearted post, I offer you this Swedish poptart: Bimbo Boy

His goal: To become a big pop star and to make the kind of music that I like. I would also like to use my fame to prevent hazing and bullying. And of course I'd like to be happy!

You gotta love a guy who wants to become famous to fight bullies. Today is all about fighting, bullies and fighting bullies.

Ultimate Fighting Championship

2005-01-12T11:25:00.000-06:00

This is neither linguistics nor music related, not related to anything at all except the fact that I wanted to record this for posterity...

The last 24 hours have been fraught with more screaming and oddly-shaped insults than I can safely report from my post here at the Grey Desk.

First, I came home from work and D. told me that the downstairs neighbors were having a colossal fight that went a little something like this:
Cast:
Mother: elderly, sickly, proud Jamaican woman who hates our dogs
Randy: her no-good son who is pushing 40 and sleeps on her couch

Mother: That's MY BED (repeat 50 times.) She got no ambition, no PRIDE (repeat 48 times)
Randy: I'm a MAN! (repeat 40 times)
Mother: This is MY ROOF, you ruined MY BATHROOM
Randy: (mumbled something about being a man)
Mother: I want you to pay rent, $550 a month. $550 a month$550 a month$550 a month$550 a month$550 a month$550 a month$550 a month$550 a month$550 a month.

So this carried on intermittently until about 10 PM. He slept with a slutty woman in her bed, punched a hole in her bathroom wall, left the house to get stinking drunk, came home and ignored his elderly, sicky, repetitive mother as she continued to scream at him until she fell asleep. Neither of these people listened to a word the other person said. I'm wondering if there is a description of this type of argument, where the two people just hurl accusations at each other, ceaselessly list their grievances and don't stop until they get too tired to talk.

Anyone know?

Then, a few hundred feet from the scene of the aforementioned incident, I boarded a train this morning. I noticed a toothless man yammering at a young boy behind him, but I didn't want to make eye contact. This man proceeded to call me an ugly bitch about 5 times. Then, after he asked me what time it was and I actually told him, he started to harrass the little boy, who looked visibly shaken and like he clearly was accustomed to someone helping him out of situations like this.

I looked right at the toothless man who thought I was an ugly bitch and I told him to zip it. "Listen, why don't you just zip it," I said. He didn't like that. He told me, "the only thing I'm gonna zip is your ugly-ass coat over your small-ass titties."

Alright. Well. Fine. Then he started to say that everyone on the train who was going to work, including "the redneck honky who told me to zip it" could all kiss his ass. I also forgot to mention that there was a bottle of urine (probably this man's urine) floating around the car, careening off of people's shoes, the seats and whatnot, for the entire trip. He got off the train and forgot to take it with him. I suppose I should be happy we didn't have to see it in action.

I'm just sayin'. It's been a hostile 24 hours in the life of an otherwise free morpheme.

Regarding my sophomoric research...

2005-01-04T16:20:00.000-06:00

If you're interested in dialects at all, check your local listings for "Do You Speak American?" which premieres this week on PBS.

Check here: PBS

For those of you still wondering if you have the "standard American dialect", read this guy's breakdown of why Midwestern English is not "standard" instead of my paper. You'll miss the cool formant charts, but it's much more fun to read. It's all in the vowel shift. It's all in your mouth and you can't see it. (Unless you had the marvelous good fortune of seeing my formant charts.)

Great Lakes dialects under the microscope

2005-01-04T15:44:00.000-06:00

As reported by Geoff Pullum of Language Log, my hero Labov (no first name necessary) has some very interesting things to say about dialect changes and shifts in the Great Lakes region, including NE Ohio. I have a feeling that my sophomoric attempt at phonological research in the Akron area was not consulted for his presentation.

What he's saying (though it's not outlined very specifically in the post I'll link to at the bottom of this paragraph) is that there are dialect shifts that stop at borders that are not geographical, not socioeconomic, but ideological. Issues like gun control, capital punishment and abortion are now influencing dialects? Hear me now, believe me later. When Labov The Magnificent speaks, I listen.

Read what I've found about it here
William Labov's home on the web here

Love (and devotional literature) for sale

2004-12-19T14:03:00.000-06:00

colporteur (n) : a peddler of devotional literature

Cole Porter (p.n.) : popular American songwriter specializing in fractured love songs

Hm. How about that.

Mad rhymes, all the time

2004-12-19T10:50:00.000-06:00

I have a little trick for you. Perhaps some of you already know this, but for people interested in writing songs with lyrics that rhyme try this:

Go here and think of a word ending. I'm working on my morphology project and I'm looking for other words that end in -ee and use it as an agentive suffix, like refugee. What I found was a list of words so weird that it went from Kankakee to kimchi to killer bee.

All hail the mighty Boolean dictionary search! This will be very fruitful as you attempt to find something that rhymes with pickles.

Shine Like it Doesn't

2004-12-17T15:28:00.000-06:00

Do you think they would accept girls? (Girls who aren't Kylie?) This is at *Schuba's* in Chicago, for those of you who don't live here:

Sunday, February 6 - Mark Burnett Productions and INXS are searching
for...A Rock Superstar to be the new singer of the rock
band INXS. Open Call Auditions - 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. - Men and women ages 21 an up.Be prepared to sing 3 songs (INXS songs are NOT required) - You may perform to track or with musical instrument. For more info. e-mail music@markburnettprod.com

My favorite INXS song: "This Time" from Listen Like Thieves. It reminds me of driving around Copley circle with my mom on my way to my first day of 8th grade. I was blind with fear.

If you have a favorite INXS song, feel free to comment. I know you do.

Awwwwwwww

2004-12-17T13:51:00.000-06:00

Here you will find a lengthy (but not unreadable) dissection of the non-verbal lexical item "aw+," which is used to:

connote extreme cuteness "Aww, isn't Junior the cutest cocker spaniel ever born?"
imply sympathy "Aww, poor doggie. He dribbles his water because he doesn't have any teeth."
convey surprise "Awww shit, Bernie Kosar's making a comeback?"

However, I believe the author of this particular item forgot one very important usage of aw+: the implication of guilt.

You're in 5th grade and your teacher is rushed to the office to deal with one of your classmates, who bit her severely chapped bottom lip and is bleeding profusely. Someone, not you, goes over to the teacher's desk and rifles through her secret goodie drawer, finding a bottle of Charlie perfume. One solitary squirt of the perfume is released into the room. Its odor is so pungent, so distinctive that it is enough to scent not one room, but many rooms, thousands of rooms. The guilty sprayer of the bottle hears the teacher's plastic flats clip-clomping down the quiet, cavernous hallway.

A classmate of the sprayer sticks out her arm-- again, not you --sticks out her arm straight, points her index finger and with a rising intonation that repeats and changes tone with each repetition, she says, "Awwwwwww...awwwwwwww"

Dude? Dude.

2004-12-14T15:19:00.000-06:00

This man has written the book on dude.

Also, you might want to check out this guy, who calls out another chump for overanalyzing the origins of hip

"Historically, dude originally meant "old rags" --
a "dudesman" was a scarecrow. In the late 1800s, a "dude" was akin to a "dandy," a meticulously dressed man, especially out West. It became "cool" in the 1930s and 1940s, according to Kiesling."

Strike/Struck

2004-12-09T11:30:00.000-06:00

Well, my teachers' strike is over. Guess that means I have also recovered from the red flu. You may have noticed that I haven't been posting much. You are my two readers, you are flushed with an impending flood of tears, you you waiting for an excuse, a good excuse, any excuse for why I have left you alone and bleeding like Rosasharn in the shed.

Here is my list of possible reasons I have not posted in, like, forever:

I was watching Oprah and I totally lost track of time
You didn't write me back, so I figured you must be mad at me
My mom told me that if I leave the house while I'm on my period, I'll burn in hell
I've been in Ukraine fighting a vast voter fraud conspiracy and also hiding from my creditors
Rearranging the wild game in my freezer takes a lot of time
Listen, curling each hair individually isn't for everyone, but Junior likes it.

Also, I have had nothing to say.

In the meantime, I suggest you visit this site, Surveymonkey. On it you can design surveys and poll your friends to find out what is the average age of virginity loss or the average number of fruits/vegetables consumed daily. It is an excellent tool. (And it's free.)

Svengali in Platforms

2004-11-29T13:40:00.000-06:00

They didn't like their name at first. Turning up their pert, poreless noses at it, they scoffed. Audibly. "He gave it to us" they said.

Then he told them that it meant "love, peace and happiness and all good things" in Swahili. Not knowing the first thing about the phonological or lexical systems of Swahili, our five young protagonistas warmed up to their new name, if only slightly.

Then, knowing that the girls didn't care about whether or not the word had actual meaning in the world-at-large, he told them that it was "an attitude" beyond love and happiness, it's about expressing yourself.

They liked that. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Huckapoo.

2004-11-29T12:50:00.000-06:00

Hello Huckapoo. It's weird to meet you.

Weltschmerz uber alles!

2004-11-24T09:46:00.000-06:00

Ok, so no one -- myself included -- wants weltschmerz uber alles, but I'm using my favorite German word to introduce what will grow to be a weekly feature of We Are Free Morphemes.

Every week, my friend and fellow student (who will be formally introduced in her debut column) will provide my 3.5 readers with a witty, informative and useful German word and an explanation of how to pronounce and use it. Since German is so resourceful in its means of lexical production, English can really benefit from foreign acquisitions. Knowing these words may also help you to score dates. Hot dates.

Weltanschauung. Gesellschaft. Gemeinschaft. Schadenfreude. Wunderkind. Dirndl. Lederhosen. Kindergarten. And there ends my lexical knowledge of German content words. I plan on getting thoroughly schooled. You will too.

Happy Thanksgiving (all 3.5 of you) -- I'll see you right here, later this week.

There Is A Light That Sometimes Flickers and Goes Out

2004-11-22T10:40:00.000-06:00

Dear Jessica Simpson,

I understand that you're a famous international pop diva. From what I can tell, it's really working out for you. But today I'm writing to you about your Christmas record, Re-Joyce: The Christmas Album.

I'm all for creative reinterpretation, particularly with productive morphemes, but you have made a series of morphological errors, Jessica, and I would be remiss not to point them out.

In your abundant creativity you have taken the marked form, rejoice, and assumed that if you joice once, you may joice again. That re- implies "again" in this particular situation. Unfortunately, in this situation, re- does not imply again. You may not joice one or more than one times. You may not joice at all. Re- and -joice are not joined in the way that re- and -mix are, or re- and -create.

To make an analogy you might be familiar with, think about repeat. You don't peat and repeat. Similarly, you don't joice and rejoice.

And finally, with a heavy heart I must tell you that Joyce is a woman's name. It is my mother's name. My mother is not Frankenstein's monster, you cannot recreate her. You cannot work your pop diva voodoo and make clones of my mother. You also cannot use the bound morpheme re- on her. You just can't.

And finally, I'm not sure if you know this, but singing "The Little Drummer Boy" in a "soulful" manner will actually send you to a poorly furnished basement apartment in Hades. I'm surprised no one told you this before you released your Christmas album.

Warmly,
AK Smithers
The Committee for Morphological Accuracy

PS -- We did a little research and found out that you named your album after your grandmother, Joyce. That's nice. It's regrettable that your album title makes it sound like you are trying to exhume her dead body, but if that's the way you want it, that's the way you'll have it. You should remember, however, that no one knows your grandmother's name and you're going to have to defend this abomination of an album for the rest of your life.

Sooner or Later, Friend...

2004-11-19T13:23:00.000-06:00

...and now.

Since there has been a flurry of rumor about a Husker Du reunion (pardon the lack of umlaut -- which is aform of ablaut, by the way) I thought I would share my concern about the deterioration of Grant Hart's decision-making capabilities. Consider this an intervention.

While Bob has been bulking up at Gold's Gym, spinning house music for his brethren in DC, maintaining his pleasant and entertaining blog and, from what I hear, rocking Cleveland, our friend Grant resurfaced at the end of October for a two-song reunion at a benefit for their mutual friend, less-famous musician Karl Mueller. They played "Hardly Getting Over It" and --something else -- I forget what -- either way, they played two songs together and it fueled rumors that made it to the NYT.

But let's take a closer look at what Grant has been doing. First, the mustache. You've seen that.
I think it speaks for itself. Then there's surviving the "Grant Hart is dead" rumor -- that's all taken care of. He's not.

Our next exhibit is this description, from an article in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune:

"Wearing a red and black Chinese silk shirt and a black
suede overblouse, his shoulder-length hair pulled back in a loose ponytail, he's the perfect picture of bohemian opulence this evening."

That's from this article about Grant's art show. If you read it, you'll see how things just get weirder and weirder until the writer screams, "Velveeta!" at the end.

Finally, that same article mentions that Grant has been making artwork using old illustrations of muscle and "viscera" he culled from years of collecting thrift store encyclopedias. Hey! I do that too! I mean, not with muscle tissue, but still.

Knowing this, and knowing that I defend Grant whenever I can, I'm not sure where our relationship can go from here. He can start by cleaning his closet of anything that vaguely resembles an overblouse. Or a turban. Or anything that makes him look like the kind of guy who would sell incense to college kids.

I like Grant Hart, I like his songs. I even have The Last Days of Pompeii. I don't want him to be immortalized looking this ridiculous, that's all. This photo is all you'll need to know why we have to stretch out a helping hand to our fallen comrade.

Show your support: http://www.granthart.com

2004-11-19T13:22:00.000-06:00

Then

My Heart is in Wisconsin?

2004-11-19T13:06:00.000-06:00

Apparently, I should live in Wisconsin. If you're considering moving to a blue state, this is a very handy guide to tell you where you should live, what houses are for sale, what jobs are available, etc.

Also, if you're a transgendered Hindu NAACP member who's very concerned about being near quality college football, this quiz will sift through the dungheap for you.

NOTE: This has nothing to do with any of my professed blog-topics, but I had to save my results somewhere. Pieces of paper are of no use to me.

2004-11-19T11:20:00.000-06:00

Enter, Sandmen

Dudes, Look Tougher

2004-11-19T11:04:00.000-06:00

I can't help myself. I have to send you here, I just have to. One time I did my own two-page spread of sad-bastard promo photos that had been sent to me back when I was doing such things. It was enormously fun and I think I may have left a small puddle in the corner of my office. If it smells like pee over by the filing cabinet, you know who to blame.

The photo above is a mere sample of the wasteland.

Slo-o-o-o-o-o-w

2004-11-18T11:04:00.000-06:00

We are so slow at work that this guy in my department is performing virtual makeovers on himself at his desk. He is using this to make himself look like a Backstreet Boy.

Yo Heave Ho: A Guide to Rhythmic Grunting

2004-11-18T09:20:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking about how far we've come, as humans, in our manipulation of language. In concert with my previous post about how English is undergoing a fundamental semantic shift thanks to the questionable tendency of people in power to use empty, meaningless "business-speak" I offer you this healthy nugget about where we started with this mess.

Last night in class we learned a little (and I mean a virtually microscopic amount) about various theories on the origins of language. Although modern linguistics (post-Chomsky and Universal Grammar) has only been around for between 50 and 60 years, in the late 19th century and early 20th century there was wild (and I mean wild) speculation about the origin of language itself.

How did humans develop this ability to refer to things that haven't happened yet? Things that have already happened? Why can't beetles do it? Here is a brief run-down of some of the more preposterous theories of the origin of human language. My favorite, bar none, is the Yo-Heave-Ho Theory, which suggests that human language evolved from the grunts and utterances early humans made when they performed various tasks. Tasks like, say, toting large rocks. Bringing home mastadon meat for the little ones. Grunting communally, these proto-people created a proto-language that has brought us to where we are today. The next time you grunt, whenever that may be, you can think about this theory.

Philip Tabane knows how to grunt.

Grunt three times on my window if you love me.

Russell Crowe is a masterful grunter.

Where we are today, however, is another matter entirely.

Does anyone know what a boonapalist is?

Ouch. Guess I'll have to change my name again.

2004-11-17T14:31:00.000-06:00

Here's Luanne von Jobbenheimer's response to my effusive "it's called a devilstrip" email. She really schooled me. I am accustomed to such treatment.

Thanks very much for your information, and for providing the URL. This is great!
If you're a fan of DARE, do you receive the newsletter? Then you are aware of the reference to devil strip in the article by Roger Shuy in the Summer 2001 newsletter (vol. 4 no.3). It's on DARE's website as well. Again, thanks.
Luanne v S

Luanne von Wordenpfeffer is one of the most famous living American lexicographers. On the verge of tears, I shuddered at the thought of someone who actually knows about linguistics reading my poopy blog. On the other hand, now I have her phone number...

NOTE: After reading this several thousand times, I realized that she said that devilstrip was in the newsletter in 2001. 2001! That was three years ago! If I were able to remember the contents of the DARE newsletter from three years ago, wouldn't I qualify as some sort of genetic freak?

Unsubstantiational Language

2004-11-17T13:49:00.000-06:00

Some people torture animals. Those people are labeled as "dangerous" and "creepy." Some people torture language. Those people are called "world leaders." See how it's all going wrong here, and then read this guy's book.

The Devilstrip: Not Where You Think It Is

2004-11-17T13:42:00.000-06:00

If you've never had a chance to visit the website for my dream employer, the Dictionary of American Regional English (DARE), go there immediately. It's a dictionary dedicated to collecting and documenting regional lexical differences.

While you're there, click on "queries" and send an email to that lady who refuses to give me her job. Tell her that where you're from, it's called a devilstrip. Or tell her what it's called where you're from.

Bored with the U.S.A.? Are you a shop teacher?

2004-11-17T13:17:00.000-06:00

You're thinking to yourself, "I really enjoy teaching metalworking to adolescents, but I don't feel like the children in American schools are very well disciplined. They aren't interested in learning. Maybe I should consider moving somewhere else..." Drop your R's and head to the UK!

The Minx That Got Away

2004-11-17T11:51:00.000-06:00

It's no secret that "Walk Away Renee" could sustain me on a trip across the Sahara. Here's more than you ever wanted to know about that song: walk away

What is a free morpheme?

2004-11-17T11:26:00.000-06:00

You are interested in finding out more about free morphemes.

Welcome. Bienvenidos. Willkommen. All three of you.

2004-11-17T09:58:00.000-06:00

Hi. This blog is about the two things I like best: meat and potatoes.

I mean, the two things I like best: elves and artificial intelligence.

No, no. Let me explain. This blog is about the two things I like best: perfume and bedskirts.

I mean, linguistics and music. You are probably my friend. You will find artlessly arranged links to interesting things in the two aforementioned categories. I will occasionally post links about the things that occupy spots three and four on my list of things I like: dogs and food.

To recap: on this blog you will find information about four things and four things only:
1. linguistics
2. music
3. dogs
4. food

For all other inquiries, please consult this handy guide to searching the international network.